Apollo Gist Noir (Thread Part 2)

This post was meticulously filed under Thread on February 3, 2010 – 12:12 pm
Post a comment

Hello Everyone. Today I finally finished Part 2 of the New Project which will from this point forward be known as Thread (Which is the name of the city our characters inhabit). I wrote in a previous comment that I was going to mess around with different narrating styles and here is my first attempt at that. I don’t want to spoil anything, but I did spend too much time making a map for your viewing pleasure: Including some important locations for todays story. I plan for the map to get more detailed as I go along. There won’t be any other pictures besides the map because quite frankly I spent a lot of time working on the story itself this time and even though it’s a wall of text I hope you can bare with it. If it’s truly unbearable I’ll add some pictures to this post and future posts. Without further ado I present part 2 (I’m a poet).

Click on the Map to Make it Larger

OFFICIAL THREAD DOCUMENTATION

Filed Under: Classified

Security Level: 12

For Your Ears Only

The following was extracted from the head of the Viperas known as Passerby in accordance with the Emergency Powers Act. Below are his accounts of the murder of the late 1312th and the kidnapping of the 1313th.

Bzzt… Bzzt… vuvu…vu……vu……..vu…..pthhhhhhhhhh.

“Hmm,”

Bang…vuvuvuvuvuvmmmmmmmmmmmm….

“There it goes… Alright; Passerby I think we’re ready to begin the capturing process. Would you mind looking here… Great, now move your arm like this… Fantastic; the drugs appear to be working splendidly. Would you cheap doxycycline mind stating your name for the record?”

“Passerby”

“Good”

Scribble, scribble.

“And your clan association?”

“Viperas”

“mmhmm”

More scribbling.

“I think we’re just about ready to start. Now, I would like you to recount the events of May the 13th after—Let me just check my notes here—Oh yes, of the year 9760th after the five clan reprasentatives decided to track down the Missing 1313th; can you do that?… Good. Alright just wait a second while I start the clock… ANNNNNNNNNNND Begin.”

May 13th; the 9760th year of the Dai Era; Location: Thread;

Thread stinks like a dead carcass left in the sun on its better days, but there are no words I can use to describe the smell of The Straight and Narrow. The cobbled street is almost the color of gold with only a few splotches of red—the recently deceased—I cover my nose with my jacket for a little relief, but uncover it when I see the Lupus Jason with his nose against the blood stained street.

“They came this way” he says after standing back up. He doesn’t look back at us as he says it; he doesn’t look at the Leo Keiri; Keiri does not look at Jason.

The rust of blood on the streets is Lupus and Leo blood. Most of the blood is old, thousands of years old, but the souls of the two proud lines scream silently at their descendants as they stand on what used to pump through their hearts in a beating frenzy. We trample them like any other street and unceremoniously continue on our way.

“Whatcha thinkin Viperas?” whispered Cece to me partially breaking the oppressive backs of Keiri and Jason. “Wait don’t tell me; let me guess.” She whispered with a smile on her lips.

I obliged.

“You’re thinking.” She continued. “That those two are either going to kill each other or admit it was love at first sight.”

I tried very, Very, hard not to laugh. It was obvious she wasn’t referring to Cloudless who seemed to be at his limits not running into walls. Every few minutes he yawned and rubbed his eyes trying to make them obey him.

“Well they’re not going to fight,” I whispered back as I watched Jason and Keiri continue to, very pointedly, look away from each other. “They might exchange a few harsh words, but neither of them looks like the blood spilling type.”

“People aren’t always how they appear,” said Cece, lightly kicking the ground with her foot. “Who would have thought stones had a taste for blood?” She paused for a moment and then flashed a grin back at me that would have chased away storm clouds. “But I’m with you; I’m pretty sure they’re going to start making out any second now.”

I smiled back, then asked: “Are you not what you appear to be?”

“Oh I’m exactly what I appear to be,” said Cece: “Very good looking.”

I gave her the benefit of a smile “And here I thought all Phoenix’s were vain.”

Cece stopped dead in her track with a look of utter astonishment. “I guess what they said was true: All Viperas are really prideful.”

“Haha, very funny.”

The quiet acomplia whispering continued for some time; partly as a way to distract myself from the smell and the cold. All my scales were beginning to itch in nervous anticipation of what we might find while my legs were convinced that I should turn around and run back to Viperas territory.

“Still you’re all a bit odd.” Said Cece, thankfully distracting me from my thoughts once again.

“How so?”

She continued her thought: “Wouldn’t a Lupus and a Leo normally rip each other apart in a situation like this? Not to mention the Dracon who seems to be completely at ease being in our company… The Dracon’s are normally so secretive you’re lucky to see one if you’re not at war with them. I thought they hated outsiders?” She paused “And then there’s you.” Cece raised one of her eyebrows as she considered me.

“Me?” I prompted.

“Most clans hate the Viperas; your clan’s past isn’t exactly clean. Yet here you are, without an ounce of animosity to your name.”

“They must all be too distracted by the Dai’s death.” I offered.

She looked unconvinced, but a “they went in there” from Jason prevented her from questioning further.

We were standing in front of a plain wooden door to a building that would be described best as a concrete shed. Nothing could live in it so it could only serve one purpose. Inside we would most likely find stairs that lead underground. Many of my clan built houses underground, but this house was not in Viperas territory.

Keiri pointed both of her ears at the door when Jason stopped. She closed her eyes and held her breath.

“I don’t hear any sounds of life inside.” She said after a minute, then pulled away from the door and continued. “Meaning if there is someone here they’re much further in.”

Cloudless didn’t need to hear anymore. When Keiri stepped away he tried the knob but found it to be locked. His face told me he expected this as he took off his gloves and wrapped the now naked hands around the handle.

He looked just about to do something but stopped as if remembering something. He sheepishly turned to us.

“Would you mind not telling any other Dracon’s that I let you watch while I did this?” he asked. We all nodded and he turned back to the door.

He was concentrating on the handle now and his hands started shaking. Lumps appeared underneath his skin and slowly scales started to peel their way out and over what used to be the normal pink. Cloudless let out a satisfied sigh and then he gripped the handle more tightly. I could feel the air get colder as ice started to creep over the doorknob from where his hands touched it. When the metal doorknob was sufficiently frozen he leaned on it with a huff and snapped it off. Cloudless proceeded to push the door open with ease.

Stairs greeted our stares. Stairs leading down into a dark abyss and I don’t think I was the only one to feel like the abyss was staring back.

Everybody was standing still so I finally said “I don’t suppose anyone brought a flashlight?”

Unfortunately nobody seemed to be in the joking mood. Cece came to my aid.

“It’s alright,” said Cece tapping me on the arm. “We don’t really need a flashlight.”

I turned around to see her hair start to glow. The strands that weren’t tied off began to dance like fire and she easily reached her hand up and undid the ribbon that tied the rest of it. Soon her hair was equivalent to a blazing fire.

“If anybody asks,” she winked at Cloudless. “You didn’t see that either.”

Down we climbed as if into the pit of hell. The stairs were cracked and slippery. Each step had to be taken carefully for fear one would trip and take the entirety of the party tumbling with them. Cloudless nearly fell three times; all of which were prevented by a panicked grab at the slimy wall before his slimy hands found their way to my shoulder. He apologized each time and I in turn forgave him.

Cece lead the way with her hair blazing away all the shadows that crossed our path. I appreciated the light, but I was actually comfortable with dark places. It was the unknown that terrified me.

Finally we could see the bottom and what greeted us was a long hallway that extended far beyond what Cece’s light could reach. The bigger surprise was the foot of water covering the ground. It reflected the light from Cece’s hair making wavy patters on the ceiling. Cece was the first one to reach the last step and hesitantly stepped in.

“That’s odd,” said Keiri in light of this development. To Keiri’s credit she stepped into the water without flinching despite her feline roots. Next stepped Jason and then me.

Just as Cloudless was about to step into the water Jason said in disbelief “Is this gold?”

Cloudless stopped; he retreated back up a couple of steps. I could now see that the water was hiding the contents of the ground. The floor was paved with gold.

“It is gold,” I confirmed before turning to Cloudless. “Is this going to be a problem Cloudless?”

We all turned to look at Cloudless, now sitting on the steps, with his head leaning on one of his blue scaly hands.

“I’m sorry… I’m really sorry; I don’t think I can go any further,” said Cloudless rubbing his forehead, clearly agitated.

“Wait what!?” shouted Jason. “You’re just going to chicken out because the floor is made of gold?”

Cloudless didn’t look like he had a good response so I provided one for him.

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation for a Dracon touching gold.” I said, reaching down to touch the cold water. “For them it’s like a drug. One touch sets off chemicals in their brains that you and I would consider extreme pleasure.”

Cloudless nodded his head sadly.

“If it’s pleasurable what’s the problem?” asked Jason.

“It’s extremely addicting for a Dracon. Many of the Dracons are so addicted they lose sight of everything else. Gold corrupts and debilitates them. If he steps on this floor right now he might never recover.” I said.

“Couldn’t you freeze the water so you don’t have to touch the gold?” asked Keiri.

Cloudless shook his head sadly. “I don’t have nearly enough energy to freeze an area this large. I don’t even know where this hall ends.

“So basically what you’re saying is this place has been Dracon proofed?” asked Jason.

Cloudless and I nodded.

“I guess that blows the Ash clan theory out of the water than” he concluded.

“Maybe,” I agreed, but my mind was already traveling to dark places. The fact that the floor was covered with gold and ice actually suggested the opposite to me. The water would be beneficial to a Dracon’s ability and if the Dracon was already addicted to gold… Let’s just say that paving a floor with gold wouldn’t be the most irrational thing a Dracon has ever done under the influence.

“Will you go back then?” asked Cece.

“No, I think I’ll stand guard here; I’ll make sure nobody goes in or takes the Dai out without your knowledge.”

This seemed like a good plan so I added: “If you don’t hear back from us in the next hour go inform the clans of what we know and where this place is.”

Cloudless nodded his consent and we all exchanged hesitant farewells before continuing on.

I was having trouble hiding my disappointment. If this was the Ash clan the body of the Dai suggested that there was at least one representative member from each of the five major clans. We had just lost our Dracon member and there was no telling what guarded the Dai. Then there was another problem. Cece’s hair illuminated what appeared to be a split in the hall. Two doors went off in different directions.

“Any chance you can tell which way they took the Dai?” I asked Jason.

“Not with all of this water. I can’t catch a smell like that in here.” He said, than after thinking “I’m getting all kinds of weird smells though. I don’t know what they are, but they feel familiar.”

“What should we do then?” asked Keiri.

We considered both hallways. Cece made her hair as bright as she could but we couldn’t still what lie at the far end of either.

“We could go down one and if we don’t find the Dai come back and check the other” suggested Jason.

Keiri tapped her fingers against the wall “Judging from how long it took us to get down this last hallway it could take a very long time. I’m also worried that if we pick the wrong one the Dracon is going to end up alone fighting against whoever is down here by himself.”

Cece cut in now “Why don’t we split up then.” She reached up to her hair, grabbed a piece of it, and tore it out while wincing. She then offered it to Jason, but he hesitated.

“Don’t worry, it’s only bright. It loses its heat when it’s not connected to me.”

He took the hair she offered him.

Cece nodded her approval then continued. “I suggest that the Lupus and Leo travel together down that hall while the Viperas and I take this one.” She said pointing our our respective halls.

“What!?” Shouted Keiri far too loudly for the hall we were in. “I don’t want to go with the Baka Inu.”

“I agree,” agreed Jason. “If I die I don’t want it to be with a Leo.”

They both stared at each other with something akin to hatred.

I could see Cece was fighting to contain laughter. “That’s exactly why you two should go together. If you do end up fighting they’d never suspect a Leo and Lupus working together. It’s the best kind of surprise attack.”

I could tell that wasn’t her motive at all.

“Fine,” said Keiri grabbing Cece’s hair from Jason before marching down the hall. Jason followed after giving Cece a dirty look.

“You’re right, they’re definitely going to confess their love for each other. I almost feel bad letting them go unchaperoned,” I said.

She smiled weakly in response and began walking down our hallway. We walked in silence except for the splashing sounds made by our feet sloshing through the water. Soon even that stopped as the path tilted upward. As we rounded a corner I saw a light filtering through at the end of the hallway.

“There appears to be a room ahead,” I said.

“Yeah” she confirmed. I could see she was a bit distracted.

“Say Viperas?” she began.

“Uh huh?”

“I don’t think I ever got your name.”

“Would you like to hear it?”

“I would.”

I paused just before we reached the doorway and she paused to wait.

“I’m called Passerby.”

“Passerby,” she began. “You never really answered my question earlier.”

I joked “I thought I did. I said they were going to confess their love for each other didn’t I?”

“Not that one,” she said again accompanying it with a weak smile. “Why don’t the other clans hate you?”

“Why don’t you hate me?” I asked.

“You’re deflecting and who says I don’t.”

“Because I know them,”

She waited for me to continue.

“I was the arbiter between the Leo and the Lupus in their last talks. I know most of both their clans. I met Cloudless after the Dracons found him boarded up in a house full of gold. I was asked to help put him through rehab as no one from the Dracon clan could.”

“Seems you have quite the reputation” said Cece nodding as if to accept my answer. She then looked into the room. “It looks empty” she said walking into the center of the room.

“Great,” I said following her. “Because I’ve actually been meaning to ask you something ever since we first met.”

She turned around to look at me. “Ohhh? And what exactly could that be?”

“I’ve been to the Phoenix clan several times to discuss our clan’s problems. I was even invited to your leaders burning ceremony, which was quite the honor and experience. I may be a bit conceited by saying this, but I was under the order online tabs impression that I knew close to all of the leadership in the Phoenix. When I heard news of the Dai’s murder I expected to see Keiri, Jason, and Cloudless, but I was also expecting to see Astns or Fiyore from the Phoenix. So I guess that’s my question nameless Phoenix… Who exactly are you?”

The doors slammed shut behind me and a light sparkled to life above us. And there stood Cece with a smile that no longer held kindness or mirth; just cruelty. I wasn’t necessarily expecting this, but I wasn’t unprepared. I could see fire starting to spread over her limbs and huge fiery wings sprouted from her back. I focused my concentration on my back as my fangs would do no good against this foe. I could feel the change as I willed my spine to stretch into a more flexible form. Most importantly I focused on the airborne toxin that could be released from the holes that would soon appear.

“If you’re thinking about releasing the airborne toxin I wouldn’t.” said Cece, now almost a completely engulfed in flames.

I was a bit surprised that she knew about that particular poison, but buried it when I remembered that I might be dealing with the Ash clan. So I instead challenged “What’s to stop me?” as I continued to change my body’s composition.

In response she pointed to a bundle tucked away in the corner. My eyes were having trouble adjusting with the constantly changing light Cece was letting off, but when I did see what the bundle was my heart sank.

“I assume, being as well acquainted as you are, that you know what happens if he dies, correct?” asked Cece pointing to the tied up form of Dai the 1313th.

I wouldn’t be able to use the airborne poison, but now I was concentrating on my mouth. If an airborne toxin wouldn’t work I would have to inject the poison directly. Even with all of my scales out I knew it was going to hurt.

“I see you’re preparing for a suicide attack,” commented Cece as green scales started to pop out all over my face. “May I ask—before you uselessly throw your life away—whether or not you would consider joining the Ash clan? It’s not really that I mind killing you, but it would be such a dreadful waste of political talent.”

“You talk of the future,” I said. “So I can assume that to mean you have no intention of killing the 1313th then?”

“Not at the moment.”

“But you do claim responsibility for killing the 1312th?”

Cece hesitated for a moment, but only for a moment. “Yes, we were responsible for the death of the 1312th.”

“Why?”

“I’m not at liberty to say.” She almost sounded nervous, but it was only almost.

“Then I’m afraid,” I said while bringing the last of my scales into place. “That there’s no way I would ever consider joining the Ash clan.”

“Too bad,” said Cece. “I guess you’re just going to have to die then.”

My body was in the form I wanted it now. My legs were strong and my back was agile. I was only going to get one chance at this so I had transformed as much into a snake as I could. That’s when I realized my error. I couldn’t move. It was too hot and I was cold blooded.

Cece was laughing hysterically, “Leave it to a Viperas to plan until he’s dead. Why do you think I chose for us to come this way? Why would I lock us in a room Viperas? You’re not the only citizen of Thread with friends from other clans Passerby. I started killing you the second the door closed. This room is completely insulated; no heat can escape which is why the air is getting so hot you stupid cold blooded creature. Choke on the air while you still have it Viperas, because at the rate I burn through oxygen you’re going to start to suffocate.”

I was starting to get light headed and my body was already sinking to the floor. “So you were lying when you said you wouldn’t kill the Dai?” I asked.

“That’s not the Dai,” said Cece. “I didn’t believe him at first, but you Viperas really do have trouble seeing in bright light. I can’t believe you were stupid enough to fall for it.”

I was stupid. A small part of me was glad that it was me who was dying though. As I started to feel light headed I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t have much of a taste for blood either. Even if Cece was how she appeared now I wouldn’t have liked killing her. My ears were starting to go silent now and my brain was pounding. I couldn’t hear anything; my legs felt cold; my eyes were blacking over… Wait, wait, wait… What’s this? My legs feel cold; that can’t be right?

But my legs did feel cold and the pounding I thought was my brain was pounding on the door. I heard an ear splitting roar and then the ground trembled as a one thousand five hundred pound, ice blue, dragon threw its entire weight against the door. Cloudless, and the door, crashed into the room like a blue, gray swirl of raging madness. I felt fresh air fill my lungs and the cooling presence order cheap pills of the heat being sucked up by the Dracon.

I had a moment of astonishment as I recognized my friend and a small part of me felt that this couldn’t be real. One touch of his icy nose, however, assured me that this was very real.

“What’s going on Passerby?” asked Cloudless as he stared down Cece on the other side of the room. “Why do you look like you were about to die?”

“Because I was,” I admitted. “Cece is a member of the Ash clan. If you had arrived a moment later I would have been toast… Fairly literally.”

Cece continued to sit calmly waiting to see what we would do. Mainly she was waiting to see what Cloudless would do.

“That’s bad news,” said Cloudless.

“Yes it is, I thought she was a very…”

“No you don’t understand Passerby,” said Cloudless cutting me off. “I’m at my limit. I used up all of my energy freezing the water to get here. I can’t fight a full powered Phoenix right now.”

Cloudless had said it quietly, but I was pretty sure I could hear Cece laughing across the room.

“Can you freeze something small,” I whispered.

“Yeah I suppose I could, but you don’t seem to understand that she’s a bloody Phoenix which is actually just code for a bloody, freaking, ball of everlasting flame,” Said Cloudless.

“Freeze my head,” I commanded.

“I don’t think suicide is ever an option Passerby, even in this situation it would be better too…”

“Obviously don’t freeze it enough to kill me!” I shouted. “Just do it while you still have the power too.”

Cloudless looked unsure, but he did it anyways. I felt the cold shock of the ice as it formed around my head. I kept my mouth open to prevent it from being closed over. After he had put about half an inch Cloudless suddenly collapsed.

“Sorry,” he muttered sleepily. “That’s all I can do.”

“Don’t apologize; it was more than enough.” I was the one who felt like apologizing.

I was standing now desperate to not let this chance go by. My head was cold, but the heat from the room coming through my mouth was enough to keep my brain working. I charged at the waiting Cece. She seemed a bit unsure what to do about me with a frozen head but she turned up the heat on her flames anyways. I could feel the water start to drip off the hard ice as I charged.

She wrapped her wings in front of her, but I expected that. My legs bulged as my muscles launched me past her and across to the opposite wall. I was already twisting my back and Cece was starting to realize that I had not attacked through her wings. She tossed her head around to see where I had disappeared to, but it was already too late.

I lunged head first at the back of Cece’s neck and thrust my fangs into her burning neck. I felt the searing pain of  fire in my mouth and on my tongue. I heard her shrill scream as my poison entered her blood stream. online drugstore It wasn’t the kind of burning sensation she was used to. Right now the blood in her neck would feel like it had a different kind of fire. She shook her body dislodging me onto the floor, but I had already done my work. With the poison in her system time would make me the clear winner. She tumbled about clearly in pain, but she managed to spread her wings anyways and flapped them, stirring up the hot air all around me. I could barely see her swoop out the door and down the hall as the last of the ice melted from my head. I considered giving chase, but I was really in no position too.

I lay quietly in between the elation of winning and the throbbing pain in my mouth. I took one painful deep breath in and managed to climb to my feet.

I walked over to Cloudless. He was back in his human form and completely passed out on the floor snoring loudly. It hurt to laugh at his peaceful visage. It just hurt in general. I bent over and somehow hefted Cloudless over my shoulder.

I was tired, injured, and carrying a man with half meter horns across my shoulder, but hey; at least I was alive. It’s on days like this I remember how lucky I am to be a member of the living category when the dead outweigh us a million times over. Soon enough we’ll all join their ranks, but for now, being the minority has its perks. It’s not every day you get roasted by a Phoenix and your head frozen by a Dracon. Who knows, one day I might even get called a “Baka Hebi” by a Leo if I’m really lucky.

I took a look at the boy in the corner who I had mistaken for the Dai. His body had already started to decay so he had been dead long before we had arrived. From the looks of it, he had been a young Lupus. I’d have to be sure to tell Jason and the rest of his clan so they could give him a proper burial later. I couldn’t carry him out right now though; one body was enough for me.

Cloudless stirred on my shoulder.

“Did we wi…aaaaaaahhhhhh” he said yawing.

“We won,” I replied.

“Is she dead?” he said already closing his eyes again.

“I’m sorry to say I have a feeling we’ll be seeing her again. By the way, why did you decide to come after us?” I asked, but Cloudless was already snoring.

In a way I was relieved he fell back asleep; it really hurts to talk with a burnt tongue.

There were still a million questions to be answered: Like what happened to the missing Phoenix representative, the plans of the mysterious Ash clan, and the cryptic answers Cece had given to some of my questions. I couldn’t be bothered by those at the present though. I had more pressing issues.

As I carried Cloudless out of the room I remembered Keiri and Jason. This room had no exits besides the entrance we had come through; so the missing Dai would have to be down the path Keiri and Jason had taken. Hopefully they had more luck on their end (but somehow, I doubted it).

End Transmission


This entry was written by Dustin, filed under Thread and tagged , , .
Bookmark the permalink or follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.
Post a comment or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

11 Comments

  1. Dabookman posted on February 3, 2010 at 6:51 pm | Permalink

    Interesting new chapter mate, quite a plot twist with Cece, would never have expected it.
    Nice job on the map too, how many hours did that take to put together?

    Narration was good, really gave me a feel for Passerby as a character. It was also a bit more of a serious narration this time too, certainly a lot of plot material in it.

    Finally, the playful banter you had going on between Cece and Passerby, and their discussion of the Lupis and the Leo was great, thoroughly enjoyed it and now I’m interested to see just what will happen in future… (I’m big on character relationships and development, gives them more depth, like Yin and Hei…)

    Anyway, looking forward to the next installment!

    [edit]
    Going over the post of the first installment, I have a small question, where did you get the name for the “Straight and Narrow” from?
    [end edit]

  2. Dustin posted on February 3, 2010 at 7:06 pm | Permalink

    Hehe, You’re going to be making an appearance in the next part :).

    Thaks for all the compliments. Some parts were a little rushed I know, but I also know people would die of boredom if I went on for a few hundred words on description. Thus, I made a general decision to cut down on the descriptions a lot and let you guys piece it together.

    Next installment there’s going to be quite a bit of character development for a few particular characters.

    Oh, and the map took me about 2 hours. The basic picture underneath the coloring was already a picture, but everything on top of it I added.

  3. Passerby posted on February 3, 2010 at 7:17 pm | Permalink

    Get out of my head! Get out of my head!

    Ah, how quickly the story turns from quack meta-comedy to political intrigue involving talking anthromorphs (which is suprisingly better than it sounds). Critically speaking, I think your plot and exposition so far is great (who would have thought?) but your execution is slightly inconsistent in quality. For example, sometimes your choice of description sounds weird. To pick out an example:

    “…slowly scales started to peel their way out and over what used to be the normal pink.”

    This sounded odd to me, because I don’t usually associate “peeling” with “out and over”. I still understood what you were trying to get at with the imagery, but it felt a bit off. Perhaps the piece needs a bit of proofreading? Have you tried reading it out loud to yourself once after you’ve finished? I think that helps.

  4. Dustin posted on February 3, 2010 at 8:40 pm | Permalink

    Ahaha. Way to pick out your example :). I actually picked peeling because it was odd and ridiculous. I probably shouldn’t have, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

    On Proofreading:

    I do go back sometimes and add things to the story. I also skimmed over the entirety of it when I finished and tried to fix small mistakes, however, I should inform you a little bit about myself.

    I have been trying to write a book called The Bound for 2 years. The characters are incredibly fleshed out and I have notes dating way back. I’ve rewritten the first chapter 9 times. I’ve written the second chapter twice and made it to the third only once. I have a major problem with proofreading once I start. Part of this project is an attempt to get away from my perfectionist habits and be able to tell myself by the time I post it that it’s good enough. Once it’s up on the blog it can’t be changed for fear that I’ll throw off future stories. This is in someways good for me because I don’t think I can go back and change something once I’ve written it which makes it easier to move forward. I also, however, have to keep in mind the people I’m writing this for.

    When I read through I noticed how quickly the plot progressed and how off the pace seemed. I could have fixed it, but it would have required about another thousand words of stuff that didn’t advance the plot for the sole purpose of not advancing the plot (to fix the pace). I ended up deciding against this as I thought it would be better to get people into the heart of this story. It was actually very difficult to compress a Film Noir esque plot into 4,500 words. I wanted the Femme Fatale and the cynicism (I kind of failed with the cynicism bit) which meant that I had to make you trust Cece and then destroy that trust in the course of a short story (while developing other plot elements and characters). I didn’t do this even close to perfectly, but I don’t think it’s bad for what it is. I also feel a little bit of time pressure with these stories. I don’t want to write one too soon after the previous one so everyone gets a chance to read it before catching up seems overwhelming, but I also don’t want to wait too long. If I put it off for too long, people will forget what’s going on and probably lose the intrigue. I actually think the time pressure is a good thing. It makes me sit down and write something even if it isn’t the best thing I’ve ever written.

    With all that said I would also like to say that this is by no means me getting defensive about critique. Your comment is actually very good and most of the time I do go back and read my entire story out loud (with a British accent). I also need to work on description in general (I’m happy about critiques because I do want to improve my writing and often times you guys will be able to see problems that I cannot). I just wanted to point out why I did it this way instead of presenting something more polished. I’ll admit that I’ve only planned a couple parts ahead of this so this story won’t be that genius. In many ways the characters and world are still developing for me as well. I’m sure once we know where we are and who we’re with I’ll be able to bring much higher quality parts to the table seeing as I won’t have to explain every little thing.

    Thanks for your constructive criticism. I want more of it for sure. I’ll definitely be proofreading future parts and I hope you know what to expect from these a little more :). More importantly, thank you for reading it closely enough to pick up on the things that threw you off. That’s actually exactly what I need to make future stories better and I’m really glad you seem to like it enough to bother reading and providing advice :).

    Sorry about being in your head. It had to be first person for the Noir feel (which I didn’t really achieve as much as I wanted too).

  5. Dustin posted on February 3, 2010 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    @Dabookman

    Regarding the Straight and Narrow: As you may have surmised I stole the name from your comment. I actually liked the saying so much (I have heard it before, but you reminded me of it) that it stuck in my head long enough to be used as a landmark. I briefly considered making it the title of a future part, but I decided on making it the the Leo and Lupus divided road to the Neutral Zone since it so perfectly described it. Thanks for letting me shamelessly steal your words to name things :mrgreen:.

  6. Dabookman posted on February 3, 2010 at 9:22 pm | Permalink

    @ Dustin

    I must say I did lol quite hard when I realized what had happened, but you used it to great effect. Looking forward to my character too, from what I’ve seen so far, it’s going to be interesting.

    Also, I have to say I understand what you mean about proofreading. I’ve had a book on the back-burner myself for the last 4 years, and re-written the first of 7 chapters at least 5 times; just because I’ve gone back and read the start like a week later. Its a pain, so its good to see you’ve come up with a way to keep the creative juices flowing.

    As a side note, do you have anyone reading what you have of The Bound at the moment? If your interested, can I? A little selfish I know but I love reading things like that, its great fun to see into others imaginations.

    @ Passerby

    I agree, that sentence itself is a bit odd when you look at it. Though I did get the mental imagery of lumps of flesh peeling off as scales erupted from beneath *shudder*, kind of grotesque but it did the job. A little “outside the box” thinking is required that’s all.

  7. Dustin posted on February 3, 2010 at 9:32 pm | Permalink

    @Dabookman

    Hmmm… Ok, I’ll send it to you along with a few of the things I want to know from another person’s (who knows nothing about the story) point of view.

    I assume I can use the e-mail you use for this site, if not you can use the contact link at the top of the page to send me the e-mail you would prefer it at.

  8. Dabookman posted on February 3, 2010 at 9:36 pm | Permalink

    Yeah no that email should be fine. Cheers for that too, looking forward to it.

  9. Keiri posted on February 4, 2010 at 4:58 am | Permalink

    Oooh… Totally ambushed by the twist! I like it! XD

    I agree with the others regarding your choice of words in describing the scenes. They were really effective, effective enough to paint vivid images in my imagination. They just sounded slightly off in some parts (like the example they quoted above) but I reckon this could be remedied by proofreading and perhaps visualizing it from the reader’s point of view instead of the author’s. I’ve never written fiction before (Okay, maybe the very few short stories or so for elementary school essays), but that’s the approach I adopt when I write research papers. Everytime I finish a draft, I would re-read the piece as my supervisor or colleagues would see it. Whenever I go through those papers again, I often run into situations where I realize the words I used sounded ambiguous or too difficult to comprehend if I was to present the papers to people who don’t know anything about my research. I have to come up with ways to write the papers such that even people outside my field are able to understand them. Of course I’m not suggesting for you to simplify your work in any way because colorful creativity is one of the souls of good fiction. Just a little trivial suggestion from me because that’s how I reviewed your work, as a reader who doesn’t know where the story is going and what to expect until you narrate it to us. I guess my opinions may not be that relevant because fiction and scientific research aren’t in the same boat after all and I prolly shouldn’t be comparing them, but I hope it helps a little. :)

    As for your latest installment, YAY! for transformations! :D
    I know I’m going to sound plain when I say this but that was really cool! I’m not sure how to explain it, but those scenes had a rush of adrenaline to them. GAR even? And the mystery deepens… It’s as though there’s a lot more to it than meets the eye. The first thought that came to my mind when Cece admitted that they (Ash Clan) killed Dai the 1312th was “Wait a sec… She confessed just like that? That sounded almost too easy.” I had a hunch that was either a deception strategy or she was way too confident about a 100% success of finishing off Passerby.
    PS. I’m sure people would know I’m referring to the characters in the story. ;3

    Keep it up! I eagerly await moar!

  10. Jason posted on February 5, 2010 at 2:01 am | Permalink

    Great stuff! Talk about an adrenaline level-up since the last installment. One thing’s for sure, we need a lot moar transformations ^^

    And I r suspicious! As Keiri said that was too easy. My overactive conspiracy-theoretic imagination identifies several points in the text that you could use to turn the tables, not least of which is the fact that all this was but an account – sans witness too. I say there’s something fishy in this. Passerby did it! Maybe. xD

    Regarding weird choice of words, FWIW I thought it was fine. And I think it is fine. IMO it adds to the individuality of the work if you allow yourself some language-leeway to just write what feels best to you. So long as it does not obscure the intended meaning of the text of course. What did they call it again? Poetic license, I believe :)

  11. Dustin posted on February 5, 2010 at 3:22 am | Permalink

    @Keiri and Jason

    Now that I’ve introduced transformations I expect I’ll have trouble getting away from it.

    Hmmm, conspiracies, plots, and easy information. What isn’t being said here. Great responses from both of you though, Its good to know where other people think the plot is going that way I can make it as predictable or unpredictable as I want :).

    @Keiri

    Thanks for the advice (and the praise). I’ll be sure to pay more attention to my descriptions. I’m about 850 words into the next installment and it’s looking pretty fun.

    P.S. I’m pretty sure Cece wants to kill off Passerby for reals (I definitely got that vibe).

    @Jason

    Thanks Jason!

    Hmmm, it could be possible that Passerby is the narrator deceiving you; he is a snake after all. Who was that person recording and interrogating Passerby in the beginning anyway? And what drug? When did the whole recollection scene even take place? So many mysteries :)… I like a world that becomes more mysteries the more fleshed out it becomes. Perhaps more of these questions will be answered in the next installment, but if so expect many more to be raised.

Post a Comment

Your email is never shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*